Hmm. What to talk about today. Oooh, I know. Let's talk about my trip to the doctor the other day. First off, she's awesome. I don't think I've ever talked to a doctor who actually listened to what I was saying and had a real thought process about it. Plus, she is like most of us and thinks the medical world is just trying to confuse us all. Its funny. :D She wants me to get a chest X-ray due to some breathing problems, that I've had forever. She's sending me to a sleep study person to check on that issue where I stop breathing in my sleep. And she's having me checked for auto immune problems. Here's my favorite conversation with her.
Doctor: "Have you ever been tested for an auto immune disease?"
Me: "No I never have. In spite of the fact that I come in telling them the same symptoms and issues that my mother has but no, I haven't ever been tested."
Doc: "Let's test you."
It was GREAT. Its nice just to have someone who listens now and then. Well, someone who isn't family I mean. Unfortunately she's not taking on any new patients for chronic pain, (Which I think is stupid and I'm sure she does too) so my constant issues with falling on my face with pain will just have to wait I guess. Stupid medical world.
Mahari has an appointment tomorrow. We'll see what her doctor is like. I hope she's awesome too. And there will be vaccinations tomorrow. Ugh.
So. Life went kind of down hill the last time I actually WROTE something in this journal. But that's okay, because I have since been rescued from certain doom. YAY! I'm living with friends who actually help me out with my hyperactive baby. She seems to enjoy having lots of people and animals to keep her occupied. She's currently harassing the one called Boneless. Let's see. I'm doing better. Apparently I have real color to my skin again. This is definately good. I have a doctors appointment coming up which I have requested someone to come with me so that I might actually be able to get a doctor to listen to me. They tend to listen when they're getting tag teamed. Mahari has one coming up too. Not looking forward to it though. There will be shots. (Cue horror movie scream now)
Movies I've seen recently. (All on DVD or On Demand by the way)
Resident Evil: Apocolypse. I liked it. Bridge to Terabithia. ....Soul crushing. We are Marshall. Soul crushing and uplifting.
And several cheesy monster movies, cheesy horror movies and cheesy sci fi movies. Most of which are worth watching for the hilarity value.
Nothing else to talk about at the moment. Just my weird dreams that allude to my own wedding to someone I haven't met yet. Or possibly have but it won't let me see who it is. That's irritating. :P
I'm legally blind in my right eye. Weee! I say this because if my left eye ever has something happen to it to cause it to lose sight, I can't legally drive. Not even with glasses. O.o I've always been protective of my left eye cause I see so well out of it, so it was completely unnecessary for the eye doctor to remind me of this. But its her job so I can't complain. Plus she was super nice. :) I hate having my eyes dilated though :P Ugh. Mahari is complaining right now cause she doesn't want to be in bed. It's 11 pm. Sooooo bed time. Love her to bits but daaaamn she can stay up late sometimes. Mommy's brain needs some down time. Gonna take a pause here to get her a bottle see if it helps. She gets so thirsty so fast.
Nope. She wanted her mommy. Sitting in my lap doing that funny hiccuping thing that happens after people cry real hard. Anyway. She had a cold all week so she was waking up in the middle of the night so her schedule is off. Bleh. Colds suck butt. Anyway. My eyes hurt from being dilated. Gonna stop staring at the evil monitor of light death. :P
I don't know why but for some reason I'm having completely random pains all down my right side. Its so not cool. And sometimes I feel overly sensitive (physically). Even when Mahari is just playing with me, sometimes her touch sends electric pain through out my leg/arm/whatever she touched and she wasn't even trying. I feel tired ALL the time. The only bright side is that my mental state has been vastly improved since the addition of the anti depressants. I want to be able to play with my baby and not hurt so much. I want to be able to breath after taking the garbage out and not feel like I just trekked a mile in a sandy desert. I'm frequently dehydrated, but never feel thirsty. Sometimes, I'm fully aware of the fact that my heart is racing, for no reason other than its there. Its disturbing. And some nights, I still can't get my brain to shut up. I'm gonna call my doctor tomorrow and make an appointment to get this all figured out. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of hiding it because I'm afraid they'll think I'm a hypocondriac.
I know I haven't been around in a loooooong while. Sorry.
Its been a long year so far so forgive me if I haven't been forthcoming with the logging in and journaling. I haven't posted since May of last year. Holy Crap. Wellllll. I was pregnant then so obviously I wouldn't be any longer!
Mahari Marie Rash was born on September 12, 2006. Beautiful baby girl. And yep now she's a year old! Sheesh. She started walking at 8 months. She hasn't slowed down since. She eats solid foods and we're starting to ween her from formula and the bottle. She loves toys that make noise and menacing the cats. Currently she is sick and teething. And I caught the cold too. Wee.
Been trying to find work but I lack the energy to do even that most days. I barely have enough to wake up most mornings. My mom's signed up on this site for her disorder, Sarcoidosis. The more I read, the more I want to talk to my provider. Apparently Sarc can appear to be almost anything that can affect the body. So you may think you're having problems with your ovaries, but really its the lymph nodes nearby. >.< Time to look into what is causing me pain.
I broke off my engagement to my baby's father. The longer we were together, the more I just wanted to murder him. I didn't want to raise my child in that situation so I called things off. All I want is someone who actually respects me and loves me at the same time. Oh, nice and working and ambition would be great as well.
Had several roommates move out of the old apartment. Had several move in. Got removed from the apartment because it needed to be repaired in its entirety and the new owner wanted to charge more after he fixed it. Lived with my friend Libby for a while. Her mom got antsy with us being there so we went full speed ahead double time with finding an apartment. Realized we couldn't move into one with out baby's father. Erg. Finally found a place where we could move to. Moved in. Live closer to Mahari's paternal grandfather. No more complaining about not seeing his granddaugher. Nevermind the lack of his own ambition to come see her anytime before this. You can get on a 2 hour bus ride right? Fork you.
I've been medicated for my depression. It was totally out of control. The non chemical treaments just weren't helping as much as they used to. After everything that's happened. Having most of my friends move so far out of town and I don't have reliable transportation to see them. Nor do they call, write or probably even think about me ever. Of course it makes me think of when I moved out to Tacoma. I probably have friends who think that of me. My only issue is I had not way of getting information to them. I've tried having Roo do it but she doesn't them all the time. So its hard. I do miss alot of them in Oly. And Aleph (Since he lived in Centrailia last I knew.) Its been lonely since everyone has moved away. I feel unloved. And that probably attributed to my increased depression. I was crying at comedies! Crying at Alpo commercials! Crying all the time it felt! I was angry at everything. So I gave in and got medication. Its been helping. I still feel lonely though. And I'm only angry at the things I SHOULD be angry at.
The only person who's stuck around is Libby. She's my best friend and Mahari's godmother. She's given me rides to appointments and the store and all sorts of things I've needed to do. Its been good for me to know that someone is around.
Well...I think I've gotten as much as I can remember down. If not I can always cram more in later. But I think I've used the extent of my energy for the time being.
Baby kicks when I wanna sleep. Insomnia on occasion. Yet as I lose the sugar intake I can't sleep past a certain point in the day. I have more physical energy, but my mind is lost regularly.
I'm not sure what the hell happened last night. Well...that's not entirely true. Let's run this down for a second here.
-Early in the day. Spoke with Tina about an incident. Explained to the degree with which I was comfortable the situation. Had Tina inform Kat and Dragon of the incident. Incident handled by Kat and Dragon. In my book, taken care of.
-Later in the day. Had a meeting. Minutes taken for meeting about a possible property for purchase, temple changes, temple runnings from here on out and of course any grievances or new anyone had. Meeting had a blow up in the middle of it. Mom leaves that evening because she's angry and doesn't know why.
Great...
Right now...I don't feel very well. My stomach is in these weird ass knots. I want to eat a pound of sugar while at the same time trying not to or I'll really have my doctor crammed up my ass about my sugar intake. I WAS starting to feel energetic again but...I don't handle this level of stress well so I again feel like a damned slug. I think I might cry any moment now. I wanna wake up Chris but I don't think he slept any better than I did last night. Woke to the boys arguing. Trying to sort out my brain.
If you look at this with the right context, this is just too funny.
You've gone as far as you can on a big project. Now it's time to find a wise elder who can guide you the rest of the way. Don't hesitate to join forces with someone you previously never would have considered.
Anyway...thought that might be good for a laugh if anyone's brain is in use atm. :D
I really love being temple historian. But sometimes I have to keep track of things that are a bit saddening. I just had to file something that happened to my mom while she was still with her other coven (that she officially resigned). And granted, those things that the high priestess had done to her are now history, the woman is still treating her like the red-headed step child. Doesn't want to talk to her. Doesn't want to even be bothered because my mom and I are now living with AND (how dare we) part of a coven who cares about us and our advancement in the craft.
Here's the scoop on Sony's (ME) time trying to study the Correllian under this other person, while working a very demanding job.
-Sony tried reading the material while at work. Promptly, someone else in the department got all reading banned from the floor as they would get so involved in their reading that they'd hang up on people. Great. No time there. And lunchtime was a joke.
-Sony tried reading material on the weekends. Sony was usually too stressed out to care after half a year of working at the company and shortly after her original supervisor had left, started slipping into a strange miasma of depression and rage. (Note: The company has that effect on most people who work there.)(Note 2: This may have something to do with the building...I feel its the people)
-Sony tried studying the material when she got up before work. This was before Sony unfortunately started sleeping up until the last possible minute because the job tired her out that much. Even after taking 10 hour days to get the extra day off, she was often very tired on her days off.
-Sony had problems trying to even focus on the material and really needed someone to sit her down and get her to actually DO the reading and tests. Now...at this point, Tati (Mom) had long ago given up on even trying to complete the materail and was debating leaving her tradition. The only other person to help her was too busy with their own life to be bothered with someone who wasn't even going to be in her circle (I'd never actually dedicated as I wanted to see how everything was run first. I'm not about to hand over my faith to just anybody) let alone be clergy.
Hmmm...this is awfully funny. I didn't get any consideration at all as far as help. I'd always thought this tradition was supposed to be open. Yet I felt all my doors were closed to me. And while I could have become a paid memeber, no offense folks, but an online mentor was not what I needed at the time. I needed someone in my face, riding my case to get things done. And that's always best done in person.
This story does have a happier ending as we all know. I quit the JOB OF DOOM, moved out of the apartment away from my dad as we were at each other's throats, and eventually found myself with Kat and Dragon. Here I've been quite relaxed (well...most of the time. Can't have a great day all the time. It would be creepy), I have a stable relationship with both High Priestess and Priest, have the encouragement (and in my faceness) that I need for completing my degrees (Up to lesson 9 ATM), and well...a very large and growing family (to which I myself am contributing a member somewhere in the ballpark of 09/06-09/09 of this year). I've also met some very awsome people in the process. And I don't have issues with being heard. If I have an opinion, its taken into consideration. Plus, like I said. I'm historian. I'm working on becoming clergy. Terrifying the difference a little encouragement can take eh? And if this was what I went through, imagine what my mom had to cope with as a member of this other group, floundering in the background, crying for help and getting ignored.
Anyway. Before this sounds anymore like a rant (too late) I will leave off with list last note. Stifling and stagnant situations must change for growth to occur. If we stagnate and suffocate spiritually, we become empty shells ripe for the picking of psychosis and general degeneration.
So I had a meeting with a home health aid this week. She brough baby clothes, a blanket, and a cute little rattle that looks like a frog stuffie. We talked about some things that I needed and whatnot. Like maternity clothes and such. Then we scheduled a time for her associated to come and assist me with gettting me a bus pass for getting around. Maybe I'll actually start going places once I have a bus pass. Woo! Either that or I'll be just to tired. It was pleasent enough.
Still have no money saved for the wedding. *sigh* I'm really hoping this isn't going to be a perpetual issue. At least now we have an account in which to save it in. I'm really sleepy right now. This does appear to be a perpetual thing with me :P But seriously, I feel like I could sleep all day. By the way...if anyone knows where this one book is, the title escapes me...but it tells you all sorts of information about planetary alignments for the year. If you know where to find this book...I'd greatly appreciate the info. I think that's it for now though. You'll know if I think of anything else to say.
So I finally had my appointment with the O/B clinic this week. And yes, they had to poke me with pointy bits. I also had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and all that fun stuff. Then next time I actually get my physical. O.o Confusing I know, but still, this means I was able to finally get my prenatal vitamins and don't have to worry about most of the lab work for next time. This all happened Tuesday. Now, on Thursday, I got poked again!
At WIC (Women, Infants and Children: They provide assistance with getting milk, cheese, cereal, juice, and other things that people sometimes run out of and don't have the money for in the middle to the end of the month) they have to test your blood iron count. Needless to say, I have an excellent iron count. No worries there. However I get to continue my benefits with them because I had drank alcohol while being pregnant before I knew I was pregnant AND I had previously within the last two years had miscarried. Kind of depressing but, at least they have a reason to keep me on.
Anyway. I entered a Kareoke contest on Thursday. I totally nailed the song and everything. And yet...somehow...for some reason...in spite of having most of the bar on their feet in applause... I didn't make it to the finals. I honestly can't say what the judges may have been thinking...or with which brain they may have been thinking with. However...I'm not the only one in that bar who thought the results were terribly unfair. Even the DJ had some doubts as to the fairness in which the contestants were judged. Especially since no one in our group got anything over 49 (Points were up to 100). And the person with the most points only managed a 60 something? Personally I think she should have gotten more like 95 or better. I honestly felt she did awsome and I'm not afraid to admit that. But...whatever. Enough ranting about how people judge others talents when they have none. (I know cause all the judges were up to sing first after the contest was over. And the judges are not employees of the bar just for reference.)
I didn't realize you could get heartburn from oatmeal. I suppose it might have actually been caused by the maple or brown sugar or the milk. Or a combo there of. But it was rather disturbing. Took some antacid for it and I feel a little better now. I'm gonna go Kareoke tonight but I have nothing to wear. And I'm not kidding. I think I have one pair of panties and several pairs of pants that don't fit right because I'm currently with child. Poop. I'm feeling really tired at the moment. Which is weird cause I went to bed fairly early. Its okay though. I can take a nap. It'll be a good nap. And hopefully I won't pass out in the middle of Kareoke. :D
I got some generic Tussin yesterday. And I'm starting to not feel my lungs again. Its still a little hard to breath, but at least I was able to sleep most of the night. I was up real early for me though. Like 7:30 am of all times. Weird. This probably means at about noon I'm gonna pass out in my lunch. Good thing I ate lunch already :D. Also bought some antacid tablets with calcium in them. I can eat pizza again. Yay! And pretty much anything with a tomato based sauce. Tomatos are very acidic. I'm apparently on a tuna fish sandwich kick. And dill pickles. Not that I don't normally like these things, but I've had alot of them in the past two days.
Lets see I don't think there's much else to talk about for now. Its about time for me to pass out in someone else's lunch. :D
Technically, I didn't grab the book nearest to me, considering it was the same book in my mom's LJ meme. And that would have been awful repetative.
1) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. "....not like a piece also, my son?"-
Full line "It's a good dinner," said he, "Would you not like a piece also, my son?" Difference Between YOuth and Age, short story from A treasury of Irish Folklore
2) Stretch your left arm out as far as you can and see what you touch. A cookie crumb on the main altar.
3) What is the last thing you watched on TV? The Tony Danza Show
4) Without looking, guess what time it is. 1:30pm
5) Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 1:20pm, No joke.
6) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The occasional Draco whine, and classical music station in the background
7) When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Yesterday. I went to Costco with Stef
8) Before you started this survey, what did you look at? This survey answered by someone else.
9) What are you wearing? Black Velveteen skirt and a t-shirt that says Chick magnet that has a picture of baby chicks attatched to a magnet
10) Did you dream last night? Was hard to dream when you got up to pee 200 million times. I exaggerate, but still.
11) When did you last laugh? Not long ago. AJ fell in a bowl of milk.
12) What is on the walls of the room you are in? Lots of Pictures, the telephone, wall sconces, A tapestry, fake wysteria around a mirror, some knick-knack shelves, certificates in frames, coat hanging thingie, miscellaneous decorative things.
13) Seen anything weird lately? Just those weird things you sometimes see out of the corner of your eye that aren't even really there when you look again. I get that alot.
14) What do you think of this quiz? Eh.
15) What is the last film you saw? Army of Darkness on Video
16) If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? Land for the coven, materials to build homes on it with and the ability to get water and electric to it. Everything else is frivolous wants.
17) Tell me something about you that I don't know. Some folks may not know that my eyes change color on a rather erratic but interesting basis.
18) If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I think something about getting folks to get along better would be great. I'm not asking for massive world understanding. Just be nice to each other more for gods sakes.
19) Do you like to dance? Sure do.
20) George Bush ...
21) Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Mahari Marie
22) Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? I want to call him Alexander Paul. Chris want's to have a Chris Jr.
23) Would you ever consider living abroad? I would and have.
In spite of having a cold, I actually feel pretty good. I think the worst of the cold is over. You know. They achey, don't wanna move, coughing like its going out of style part? That was me the last three days. It wasn't happy. But I think I've moved beyond that point. Thank the gods.
I visited the urgent care unit to find out what was wrong. They told me "Its a severe cold, and guess what, being pregnant you can't take diddly!" Well...doesn't that just bite. I took acetaminophen for the aches and used vapo rub to clear the congestion, plus really warm, steamy showers. So far so good.
Only 15 days til my appointment with the O/B person.
You are 30% Good and 70% Bad You're a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes. But you're too badass to even care if you're labeled "bad"!
At your darkest moments, you feel vulnerable. At work and school, you do best when you're comparing things. When you love someone, you tend to like to please them.
In friendship, you are loyal to one person. Your ideal careers are: sales, police officer, newspaper reporter, inventor, poet, and animal trainer. You will leave your mark on the world with inventions, poetry, and inspiration.
Deep down inside I'm an Aries? Well I guess there's SOME true to that.
You Are a Visionary Soul
You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the insightful.
Cool.
You Are Miss Piggy
A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it. You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less. You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way. Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!
Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return.
You are very spiritual, and you are interested in the mysteries of life. You are quite analytical and a great thinker. You have many theories and insights. A life of solitude is perfect for you. You need time to think and do things your way.
In love, you are quite charming. You attract many with your confidence and wit.
While you enjoy being alone, sometimes you take it to an extreme. You can become too isolated, shutting out loved ones and friends. Express yourself a little bit more, and you'll be surprised where it takes you!
I slept for 12 hours last night. And I feel like I can sleep a few dozen more. Chris just made me a doctor's appointment with the OB clinic. Woohoo. They're gonna poke me with pointy bits I just know it. Grrr. Tomato and Basil Wheat thins taste like pizza when you add squeezy cheese to them. Yummy! Non-sequitor there for ya.
Not alot else to mention right now. Might be some more stuff after the appointment and whatnot. Squee.
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rainbowspite's journal
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